Monday, March 27 We want the inside stuff By Frank Hughes Special to ESPN.com

I say, what the hell, let's do this Big Brother thing full on.

Why mess around with just putting microphones on coaches and cameras in the locker room at halftime.

I want the full NBA experience, dammit.

I want there to be cameras in the showers. Remember how well the movie "Porky's" did? I remember when I was something like 12-years-old, my friends and I couldn't stop talking about the shower scene in "Porky's." (Unfortunately, I never saw "Porky's II," but I'm sure it was equally riveting.) The NBA wants more viewers, I guarantee a bunch of people will tune in for the shower scene from each week.

Why stop there? I think we should put cameras and microphones in players' cars, in their homes, on the team planes, on the team buses. It will be like "EdTV" or "The Truman Show" every day of the week, but with NBA players instead of everyday Schmoes.

And we're not going to just mike the players. I say we put mikes on people who come in contact with the players.

I say put microphones on members of the players' posses. Here's what you'd hear:

"Well, uh, duh, uh, I can't believe Homer lets Bart get away with that."

"Damn straight."

I say put a camera on the head of groupies. We could call it GroupieCam. Sure, it would make them a little less attractive, but just throw some more makeup on it, and the players probably wouldn't even notice.

Here's what you'd see and hear: "Oh, Doug, I've admired you ever since I was 13, which was, like, three years ago. Tee hee hee. I'd do anything, and I do mean anything, if I could just sit down with you for a few hours tonight and talk about the intricacies of the pick-and-what do they call it? Oh, whatever, I can't remember. Tee hee hee. But see my three friends over there, the ones with the high school letter jackets on, they admire you, too. And they said they saw you in the shower scene that the NBA aired last week, and they would like to talk to you about it -- in detail."

"OK."

Put a microphone on the media covering the team. Here's what you'd hear when they talk to the players: "We're just taking it one game at a time."

Or, "I really stepped up tonight."

And then when the media walked away, you'd hear: "What an idiot."

And when the player walked away from the media, you'd hear the player say, "What an idiot."

That media should include Ahmad Rashad, and his entire conversation:

On air: "So, Shaq, great game. I've never seen anybody play so well. I mean, you really kicked ass out there. How does it feel?"

"Great."

"OK, thanks Shaq. Back to you, Bob."

Off air: "Shaq, great game. I've never seen anybody play so well. Well, except for Michael Jordan. He was the greatest player of all-time. I mean, Michael was God. He is God in my household. In fact, he and I are going out to dinner later. Maybe I can see if you want to come along Shaq. You know, if Michael says it's OK. If it's OK with him, then it's OK with me."

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Put a microphone on the players' wives: "Well, Darrell just got a $12 billion bonus for getting a two-to-seven assist-to-turnover ratio, so I'm going down to Tiffany's this afternoon and getting a 47-karat diamond broach that I can wear, oh, I don't know, on New Year's Eve in 2012. I just love those little blue boxes they give you at Tiffany's. I have all mine piled up in my 3,200-square-foot walk-in closet at our third home. Which reminds me, I have to drive my Benz over there, you remember, the one I got after we bought the two Land Rovers and after Darrell just spoiled himself with that ridiculous stretch HumVee -- I don't know why he needs a HumVee to go golfing in anyway -- and pick up our daughter. She's been there for two weeks with the nanny, and I thought I'd check and see if the nanny is doing her homework for her. Because if she's not, I'm going to hit her upside the head with my Gucci bag. I just wish that nanny would take that, what do they call it, GroupieCam, off her head."

They should put a mike on owners, and one in particular: "Great game, Dennis."

"You suck."

"You're fired."

And while we're at it, we might as well put a mike on David Stern.

"Son, you make million of dollars off the NBA, so if we want to put cameras in the locker room, you should feel grateful."

"And you make millions of dollars off us, too."

"Actually, in the universal spectre of the supplementary financial industry, the principals here, that being the owners, are in dire straits over the structure of the organization in which you participate, that being the NBA. The power struggle between the sides is an unfortunate oversight on the part of the decision-makers, and thus we are in this very lopsided predicament. But the overall scheme is that the principals, that being the owners, while trying to be fiscally responsible, are forfeiting a great deal of their pecuniary power, to such a degree that they may be forced to declare a Chapter 12, an unfortunate byproduct of such an occurence. So you can see the dilemma, while being unfortunate also a necessary evil, that this has brought us to. We duly ask for your cooperation."

"Oh. OK."

Frank Hughes covers the NBA for the Tacoma (Wash.) News-Tribune. He is a regular contributor to ESPN.com.