Tuesday, September 28 It's all relative in '99 By Brian Murphy Special to ESPN.com

Was it Sir Isaac Newton or Isaac (The Reverend) Bruce who once said that for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction?

Or was that my gut, after another NFL Sunday of beer-guzzling and testing the credibility of the elastic on my favorite pair of St. Louis Rams poly-cotton blend shorts?

	Kurt Warner has the surprising Rams alone in first place in the NFC West.

Either way, it was that Newtonian thought that danced through my head as I drifted off in front of a Tony Robbins infomercial on my ripped-up couch Sunday night, the flickering images of the late Pats-Giants game coated on my eyelids. Hey, man, it doesn't take an apple to fall off any nearby tree and hit me on the head for me to realize we've got some wild, freaky stuff going on in the league right now.

For every 0-3 Super Bowl champion, we have an unbeaten Rams team.

For every 0-3 AFC Super Bowl favorite, we have an unbeaten team in Tennessee.

For every ex-World League, All-World stiff like Scott Mitchell, we have an ex-Arena League, All-Godlike Ram like Kurt Warner.

And for every Dick Vermeil crying jag, we have ... well, a Dick Vermeil crying jag.

What in the name of gravity is going on here?

If it wasn't for Brett Favre leading Elwayesque comebacks every Sunday, I'd have thought somebody kidnapped my beloved NFL and substituted the World Wrestling Federation in shoulder pads, so unbelievable is this script.

The Raiders, the best team in the West? The Patriots, 3-0 with the Cleveland Browns on this week's schedule? The Bengals, still considered a franchise by the league?

It's enough to make you want to buy a pair of Gunther Cunningham's Amber Visions. Maybe the view from behind those bad boys will make sense of this nonsense.

But since we started with such a scientific thought, and since we're always desperate for any theme, why not make Week 3's List of Five our own little tribute to Newton, and we don't mean Nate. Herewith, our "Five Laws of NFL Motion" -- and we don't mean illegal motion, for which we'd be penalized five yards -- all found to be completely unscientific in their forming:

1. For Every Rams Win Led By Kurt Warner, All Laws Are Obsolete.

Did I miss the memo? You know, the one about the End of the World? Listen, there are certain things we've grown to count on: death, taxes, and the inevitability of some sort of media feature -- print, radio or television -- on Jason Sehorn. But this Rams thing is getting very scary. What can we count on in this world, if not for a Rams loss and a Dan Patrick commercial?

What's more, Warner is evolving into the story of the year. How many of you suckers drafted the cat out of Northern Iowa in your fantasy draft? Yeah, sure. Right after you took Stephen Davis and Tim Biakabutuka. Bottom line: With Y2K approaching, our nation is in enough of a panic. If the Rams beat the Bengals next week, we might be on the verge of civil unrest. I urge Cincinnati to rise up and beat back the Rams, if only to restore order for a day. But wait! The Bengals? What am I thinking? Don your riot gear, sports fans, it's going to get ugly.

2. For Every Tennessee Win, There Must Be Some Proof of Why Pro Football Is In Tennessee.

Might as well get Leonard Nimoy in search of this one. Some questions are unanswerable. That we have a team called the Titans in Tennessee is one of them. Why that team is 3-0 is another. Why that team is 3-0 after starting Neil O'Donnell on Sunday is yet another. I'm out of answers, people. I'm left only to Rolle up my carpet, go on a Samari and become a Tennessee believer.

The state that brought us Graceland and, um ... Graceland and, um ... hey, the state that brought us Graceland is on top of Paul Tagliabue's world. Nice job, Tags. Can you work on getting us a franchise in Idaho next?

3. For Every Chris Chandler Injury, There Is Another Chris Chandler Injury.

What a cheap shot after the guy had an unreal 1998 season and led his squad to the Super Bowl. Too bad he pulled a hammy just thinking about doing it again. Oh, wait. That was another cheap shot. Why, I bet Chandler would take a swing at me right now if he could -- but he probably can't with some sort of torn triceps. Oh, man. Another cheap shot. I'm sorry. In fact, I'd like to shake Chandler's hand in apology -- but wait! Doesn't he have a sprained wrist?

4. For Every Bill Parcells Ulcer, There Are More To Come.

How would you like to be this guy's gastro-intestinal system? Worse yet, how would you like to be Ray Mickens? Bad enough that Parcells spends all week shoveling Deep-Fried Anger with a side of High Cholesterol Expectations down his gullet before a game, but to start 0-3? And to lose to a team owned by Dan Snyder? How disgusting.

You could feel The Tuna's wrath just reading his quotes. He called Mickens' coverage of Michael Westbrook and Albert Connell "non-competitive." He later said, apropos of nothing, "I'm biting my tongue right now." Wonder how it tastes, and if the team doctor recommends it? But don't worry, Jets fans. Big showdown on Sunday at Denver. I mean, that's the game we're all dying to see. Right? Right? Hey, uh, Jets fans ... anybody there?

5. For Every Brett Favre Fourth-Quarter Comeback, There Is Always a Reason To Watch The NFL.

Ah. Now there is the one immutable law of nature.

Brian Murphy of the San Francisco Examiner writes a weekly "Tuesday Morning Quarterback" column for ESPN.com.