Touted India's best bet for a medal in shooting at the Olympics this August, Jitu Rai, who has trudged his way from oblivion to glory, admits that failures are often hard to stomach.
"At times, when I perform poorly, I feel there's nothing left to live for," Jitu, the current world No 1 50m pistol shooter told ESPN, "Then I motivate myself and train twice as hard."
Finishing fourth in the 50m pistol event at the Munich World Cup in May, Jitu - who had won gold in the same event at the Bangkok World Cup earlier this year - isn't reading much into the seeming recent blip. After all, he has been one of the country's most consistent shooters over the last two years; winning gold at the 2014 Commonwealth and Asian Games, three World Cup medals, two silvers and a gold in 2014, and in September 2015 becoming the first Indian shooter to earn a Rio quota with a silver medal at the World Championships in Spain.
His overpowering will to succeed, however, is not free from fleeting moments of self-doubt. "I've had some good performances and I know I can do well in Rio. Par kabhi kabhi yeh soch ke darr lagta hai ki agar saari training aur mehnat ke baad bhi results acche nahi hue toh kya hoga (At times I fear what if all the training and hard work I've put in does not convert into results)," he says.
Jaspal Rana, one of the country's most celebrated and successful pistol shooters, speaking to ESPN, says that for Indian shooters to make it to the finals of the Olympics itself is no mean feat given the archaic training techniques, "Jitu has the potential of winning a medal in Rio and if he has to peak at the Olympics, he cannot afford to be affected by poor results in the months leading up to it. It's about peaking just at the right time. Pressure is always a given and that's what athletes are trained to deal with. There's no margin for error." Rana says, "No one way to succeed at the Olympics - it's not just about hard work or having a great coach. It's just how you channel your thoughts and efforts on that particular day."
India will be represented by 12 shooters, the country's biggest ever Olympic contingent in the sport, this year. Jitu will be competing in both the 10m air pistol and 50m pistol events in Rio. He will gear up for a final dress rehearsal ahead of the Olympics, at the World Cup in Baku, Azerbaijan from 20-29 June.
Four years ago, an unmoved Jitu watched a beaming Vijay Kumar on the podium on live stream, clutching a silver medal for the 25m rapid fire pistol event at the London Olympics. Both shooting and Olympics then, had held little relevance in Jitu's life. "I first heard about Olympics, I think it was the one in Athens in 2004, when I was in school. But I wasn't sure what it meant. Though I watched Vijay Kumar's 2012 London Olympics silver-medal match online, I felt no emotion. Maybe because I had no idea about what an Olympic medal represents and no love for shooting. Over time, the magnitude of Olympics slowly began to sink in and now it's my biggest dream."
Jitu began shooting as part of army training in 2008 but secretly detested the exercise. It was only when his seniors began pushing him into practice, did his affinity and his innate knack for target shooting develop slowly. A quiet, reticent man, he took to the rapid speed of the pistol over the slow, laboured progress of the rifle.
"Though pistol shooting is hard to master in terms of accuracy of shots, I would prefer it to rifle," says Jitu before throwing in a punchline, "Bas khade ho jao aur goli chalo (you just have to stand up and shoot)." To start with, there's the gear; making no attempt to hide his aversion for the latter, he goes on to add, "In rifle shooting, you have to wear a kit, carry a heavy rifle to the stand and then practice for long hours. In pistol you can shoot in the clothes you're wearing."
While a rifle weighs 8kgs, the heaviest any competition pistol Rai will carry is 1.5kg. He can compete wearing shorts and a suitably athletic T-shirt, but a rifle shooter wears leaded-down shooting jackets and trousers made of canvas and leather with nonslip rubber pads for stability.
With just two months to go for his maiden Olympic appearance, Jitu, who trains at the Army Marksmanship Unit in Mhow, Madhya Pradesh, understands the hopes around him and the pressure that accompanies it. "Yes, no doubt there's pressure at times. But my preparation hasn't suffered. Having played and won in a number of international tournaments it feels more like a habit. But I think I'm on the right path and my goal is to win a medal," says Jitu. He is a second generation Indian army man, now a Naib-Subedar in the 11 Gorkha regiment of the Indian army, following his father.
Close to a decade ago, a teenaged Jitu, then growing paddy, potatoes and corn in his family farm in an obscure village in eastern Nepal, dreamt of working in foreign shores. It was around that time that both the Indian and British armies were holding camps in Dharan, Nepal to recruit for their respective Gorkha regiments. The British army was his preferred choice and he had diligently filled out forms for his application. But life had other plans. "Incidentally, the British army registrations were closed the day I went there and were to only open the following day. Since the Indian army was accepting applications then, I went ahead and filed mine and was accepted. My life changed from that day on," he says, crediting the Indian army for his "success and learning". It is from where he was to embark on a tryst with sport - what would he say has changed since his successes over the last two years?
Jitu pauses then breaks into a smile, "I'm still the same guy. I'm still shy around girls."