Where are the stump mics when you really need them? Having suckered Herschelle Gibbs at Centurion, they failed to capture what might have been the most intriguing conversation of the day.
Mohammad Yousuf had just airily announced his entrance, Jacques Kallis was busy muscling around when both met at the non-striker's end and words were exchanged. What could they have said? Kallis began it: "Flat track bully and nothing else mate."
"Pot, kettle and black: rearrange," Yousuf possibly responded, before adding, "and if you think you're a Test bowler, then I'm Malcolm Marshall."
Maybe not, but if required both could have whipped out a laptop, jumped onto Statsguru and proved a point: 'Aha! I told you so.' Yousuf's record in South Africa is appalling, a crutch which will always be waved at him in any evaluation. And though Kallis is the only all-rounder, Garry Sobers apart, with over 8000 Test runs and 200 Test wickets, few people would put his bowling in the same space as Sobers's. Or even in that occupied by the four great all-rounders of the 80s.
For today at least, both could point to little victories. By the time the exchange came, Kallis had already done most of his bit. He doesn't seem to particularly enjoy bowling when he runs in, an impression strengthened by any number of grunts, glares and teapot impersonations during and after the act.
It's a shame for he can be quite good at it. His outswingers are like beautiful women, cutting lovely, sexy come-hither curves and like the women, are forever attracting men into indiscretions. He does a mean reverse as well and over this summer, his pace has gone up again. Like his build, his stock ball is a heavy one.
Greater batsmen than Imran Farhat have fallen to him but few have been made to look quite as inept. Younis Khan though is a scalp to make you proud and depending on what nationality you are, it was either a horribly loose waft or a nice piece of thinking.
Yousuf had come in between the two, Kallis simmering. Actually, the pressure that greets him on his every arrival makes up for the pitch. Secretly, you reckon Pakistan should be involved in pre-Test negotiations with the opposition given how useful their openers are: "If it's a flat pitch, give us a 50 for two headstart. If not, then 12 for two or three." That way at least the Test can move on.
So Yousuf arrived, 47 for three, averaging 20 in South Africa, and pulled Kallis for four and then top-edged a six, around the time of their conversation. Kallis beat him a few times, hurried him up; he got an edge that narrowly escaped AB de Villiers at slip but Yousuf ended with 30 runs from the 29 Kallis deliveries he faced, with four boundaries and a six.
Both ended winners though. As Kallis wrapped up the tail, he ended with a four-wicket haul, the first time he has taken more than three in an innings against anyone other than Zimbabwe for three-and-a-half years. Two from the top, two from the bottom has a nice symmetry about it too.
And for all the runs Yousuf made last year, few were as spiky as these. As soon as Kamran Akmal fell and the tail arrived, he switched pace startlingly. Even in ODIs, he doesn't often become this violent, though it was all beautifully done, of course. He kept strike initially, then let it go as Mohammad Sami settled but all the while he played: a cover drive, a force square, a straight drive, all struck with more force and urgency than normal.
It was Inzamam from Port Elizabeth all over again, a lesson in tail-end batting, only done with more grace and beard. If Inzamam was unlucky in not making his first hundred against South Africa, Yousuf was no different and the tail was more culpable here.
These two partial righting of wrongs aside, the rest of the day played itself out to the familiar beat of this series. Makhaya Ntini ran on and on and on, Pakistan's batsmen struggled with the bounce, Mohammad Asif swept aside top-order batsmen for fun, Akmal missed another sitter, de Villiers changed position but not form. And as has been the script throughout, at the end of it all, there wasn't a whole lot in it.