A scene from a principal's office, somewhere in India
Ah yes, you. Come. Come. Sit down, please.
You know why you're here, no?
Arre, please. Of course, we both know why we're here.
It is fine for you to be good at cricket. Something to be proud of even. That we can understand and allow. But why must you always take it to this extent? Why can you not sense when enough is enough?
What do I mean? WHAT DO I MEAN? Thrashing that poor Sri Lanka team is what I mean. This is not the first time. Or the second time. Don't think we have not noticed.
Opens file
Look here. points Nagpur 2017 - an innings and 239 runs. Pallekele 2017 - an innings and 171 runs. Galle 2017 - ah, there you won only by 304 runs. Verrry kind. Do I have to go on? Ah, you want me to check the ODI file?
You know what Sri Lanka has to deal with, don't you? This, you should know by now. Their home circumstances…
Lowers voice. Listen, they haven't kept a coach for more than two years. It's a very pathetic situation. More than ten coaches in ten years. Like a revolving door only...
Let's not even talk about their board. In this match, you hit 574 runs in the first innings. Between all of their top-level officials, they can't even muster that many brain… I feel so unkind to even say these things. But you get the picture.
And your Ravindra Jadeja. My god. By himself, he is scoring 175 not out. You're not letting them score even that much for the whole team in the first innings. As if that wasn't enough he takes nine wickets. NINE. Can you imagine? In more than 129 overs, all of Sri Lanka took eight, yaar. Can you possibly explain this behaviour? These people are your neighbours. Some dignity they must have, no?
Scoring all these runs even after they obviously chose the wrong attack for this pitch, and their fast bowler Lahiru Kumara broke down on the first day. Three times in the last three years he has injured himself in the middle of a Test. For years we know they've had these problems, no? Did you know they have banned bum-pats in their team because they are worried they will do a career-ending injury?
Hey. Do not laugh. Do NOT laugh. This is not funny.
We have also got news today from our sister school that the women's team has also thumped a neighbour today. Niiiice little operation you have got going between the two of you, no? Well done.
Look, just have some mercy, no? Even your No. 8 has five Test centuries. Their No. 7 - this Dickwella fellow - has collected four more ICC demerit points than centuries.
Look at your attack, also arrey. You have R Ashwin who is the best offspinner India have produced. You have this crazy Jadeja fellow. Then if that's not enough this wicked Bumrah character who will bowl full overs full of yorkers, and send some nasty bouncers, and if that wasn't enough, bowl his vicious little cutters and slower balls. What a twisted mind this fellow must have. And fast-bowling uncle Shami to skid balls into the pads also. You saw, no? How he bowled one at off stump and got the Sri Lankan captain - their best batter - into such a tangle he edged it to the keeper?
What will you do after this match? Go and throw some rocks at some puppies? Get together and poke fun at chubby children? Please stop. Please, please know when to stop.
What?
You're doing what in the next week?
You're going to play them in a pink-ball Test?!
With your attack? Against their top order? Get out. I can't bear the sight of you. Get out of my room immediately.