Oh hello, opposition players. Who are you guys this time? We've already crushed Australia, bashed New Zealand… sooo you guys must be? Hah. Just kidding, we know who you are. Come through, come through. Welcome.
We've seen a few of you around, right? Some of you play the IPL. Even do quite well at times, I think. Look, we're sorry, and we don't mean much by it, but for this tournament, we have basically forgotten you. How do we put this? Those at the top of the food chain tend to be errrr… indifferent, let's say, to the day-to-day lives of their prey.
Look at how many of us there are. We've come to Lucknow from all over. Some of us have taken trains east from Delhi and Gurugram. Others have driven from Kanpur, from Patna, from Indore. Busloads full of us have come. Planeloads full of us. In the business class section, an Indian-origin venture capitalist from the east coast of the US is chatting all flight long to a fintech guy from Mumbai. They're waxing nostalgic about their childhoods in the same state, trading business notes, marveling at how much India has changed, giggling about how much has stayed the same.
In the cities we pack out, the restaurants are all full, the streets are a whirl of blue, and the best biryani restaurants have queues out the door. You guys know all about queues in your country, right? Hahahah, you guys invented some decent stuff once.
We all gupshup a bit about the cricket, because come on, that's what we're here for. But we don't spend much time talking about how good the India team is. What is there to be discussed? We know India is ridiculous. The India team knows they are ridiculous. Deep down in your hearts you know India is ridiculous.
We spend more time talking about you guys and all the funny comments you make in the press. Like how your team is so allergic to the word "defence" your captain has said "we don't defend anything". You can say that again. No wonder Sri Lanka got an eight-wicket win against you, hahah. Too good.
Don't mind us, opposition players. We will only have you in our sights for a few days. Then it's on to a next set of opposition players.
At the match, the stands are filled from top to bottom, all the way around every stand, with people in light blue shirts. You're in the ring, and you're surrounded.
We're screaming for our guys. Emptying our lungs. This stadium especially must make you worried, right? The stands are so high, and the canvas roof over them keeps the noise rolling back in, and on the field, you have to be hearing every cascading decibel of our exultation.
Listen to the roar. The match is only just starting. All of us aren't even in yet. But when Shubman Gill square drives a four off one of your bowlers, it's already at ear-splitting levels. The stadium DJ sounds out instructions - a drill sergeant to 50,000-plus. We raise our arms when he tells us, call-and-response when he tells us, scream at him that our enthusiasm is "high, sir!" when he asks us. If we want to have fun on command, who are you to argue? Maybe you should focus on your own stuff.
When Virat Kohli, who is chasing a record-equaling 49th century by the way, gets out coming down the track and trying to bash to leg, almost every voice in the stadium is zipped shut. It takes 50,000 people to produce this much silence. People at the urinals have got to have stopped midstream, it's that quiet. Maybe that's getting to you too.
Don't take it personally, opposition players. You're all just extras on our boys' national tour of absolute domination. You're playing your parts just fine. We wouldn't worry about it. You have other games.
And see? Look at that. You're bowling okay, and you field just fine. Does that make you feel a bit better?
But then you also have to bat. Oh boy. It wasn't that long ago that our bowling wasn't that good. Now? You're in for some trouble. Ours is the best now. When our guys surround your batters, and our bowlers surge in, and we've got top-to-bottom coverage of all the stands, the stadium feels like a giant set of jaws, about to swallow your puny batters.
This is a spin-friendly pitch apparently, and yah, we have Ravindra Jadeja and Kuldeep Yadav for just such tracks, but we also have fast bowlers who are bosses on them, and they are the ones who deck your top order this time. Jasprit Bumrah, our one-of-a-kind quick. Not just a soulless cricket factory, no? Not even close. Mohammed Shami, who goes hunting for that set of stumps better than most seamers on the planet, was always going to cause you so much trouble here wasn't he. Oh, opposition players.
Before long, you are 39 for 4. Then 52 for 5. Then 98 for 7 or something. Kuldeep is spinning them so big, so quickly, your captain didn't even have time to form the gate he spun his ball through. It's not your fault you suck. I mean, it might be. But anyone would suck against this. Everyone has so far.
Then Bumrah and Shami come back into the attack, and your useless tail hits a few boundaries how cute. But, you know, our boys are wrapping things up now. All out 100 runs short of our target, in the 35th over. It's all over.
Farewell opposition players. Best of luck in all your endeavours for the remainder of this tournament. Ahmedabad next? Try the thali. We will follow you, I guess. Either way, we'll see some of you at the IPL, and the rest of you will line up desperately at the auction for the chance of playing in India again. Ah, you guys. It's been a good time. For us.