A first Test century, and in an overseas Ashes Test no less. A maiden century in first-class cricket too, as balm for thrashed wounds.
A star is born. Another blond-permed leftie dasher, with curls that flop back at the removal of the helmet. With cheeks that glisten in the sun, a smile that could…
Yeah sorry Jacob, well done and all, but the adults are s****ing the bed again. No, sure, you're new here. But it's just you, so could you come and sort them out?
Careful, it is a right mess in there. Make sure you don't get anything on that new halo. Just pop it on our fielding coach, with the rest of the coats.
Mind that rug by the way, it's there for functional rather than display reasons given it's covering a hole. Did we not tell you this whole joint was collapsing?
Life comes at you quick in this England team. Nevertheless, Jacob Bethell has had to wait a while since that impressive parachuting into their tour of New Zealand at the end of 2024.
In only his third Test since that first coming, Bethell was back at No.3, facing a deficit of 183, and yet he walked off, unbeaten on 142, as the responsible one. England are 119 in front of Australia thanks entirely to his brilliance across five hours and forty minutes, because that effort came in spite of those familiar failings that once again stacked up in the blink of an eye. An Australia 4-1 scoreline remains favourite.
Bethell's starboy status was being digitally immortalised in TikToks and Instagram reels as he danced down and deposited his 162nd ball through wide long-on to move to three figures. From that point on, however, he had to assume the role of designated driver.
Could he even drive? Michael Neser, Cameron Green, Travis Head and Beau Webster certainly know that now, as each was laced to the cover or straight boundary for six of his 15 fours. He saved most of the back-foot stuff for Mitchell Starc, whom he dispatched through point time and time again.
The dip back to his Bajan roots was evident in the flourish of his wrists, and the imperious pull shots forged in Bridgetown, back in his school days when the big lads insisted on bouncing the small kid who had been promoted out of his year group. He even seemed to wink when Green clocked him on the helmet with 27 to his name. I'm new here, but I have done this before, you know?
Even Bethell's plays-and-misses looked good. A few off Scott Boland - who was out of this world today - were followed by a late retracting of the bat and a twirl away to square leg. A very different idiosyncrasy to Steven Smith, and, actually, more performative. As if he was back walking down the school hall trying to style out a trip with a skip and a smirk.
If that's infantilising of a guy who has just shown himself to be so much more, then so be it. Because it is worth dwelling on Bethell's youth in this moment, more than England allowed him to on the penultimate day of this Ashes.
Bethell has so far faced 306 balls in the series, despite having entered the fray only last week for the fourth Test in Melbourne. Already that dwarfs the 170 that he faced in English domestic cricket during the 2025 summer. Throw in home internationals that season, and it moves up to 487 deliveries, 82 of which came during his ODI century against South Africa - his first (and, until today, only) in professional cricket.
All of which made the maturity quite staggering. Bethell defended well and, for the most part, left better. Straight bat faces, all the right angles, elbow so high at times you wondered if he was going to lean on one of the SCG's floodlights to rizz the sun.
For someone who only turned 22 in October, and doesn't really do this in whites very often - this is only his 28th first-class appearance since gracing the format in 2021 - it carried a grooved charm. A familiarity with the classics. He dealt in traditional shapes, which perhaps explains the video from Noosa of Bethell dancing along to "YMCA", released in 1978, 25 years before he was born.
He spent seven balls on 99, which set minds racing back to his previous highest first-class score of 96; in the final Test of that breakout tour of New Zealand. On that occasion he was dismissed attempting to get to three figures with one booming drive, after which Ben Stokes approached him in the away dressing room to console him, saying it was only four runs he missed out on. "Yeah," replied Bethell, "but it would have been flair if I'd smacked him through the covers to bring it up."
Yeah, it would have been. Just as it was when he shimmied down the pitch to Webster's inviting offie. But arguably the patience he had shown up to that point did more for his aura.
While still on 99, Starc came back on to test his nerve. Two bouncers were served, both swerved. The next over saw a tighter ring to Boland greeted with calm. There was a whiff of a single as he leant on a drive into the covers, but before he could show any real angst, it was Bethell who sent Harry Brook back to his end.
Brook was far more animated at the landmark than Bethell, delaying the left-hander as he put back on his gloves in pursuit of a couple more glove-punches. Earlier in the day, vice-captain Brook had stepped up to lead the team in the field after Stokes' adductor injury, but with bat back in hand he served up his usual cocktail of nonsense. And that led to a passage of play that contextualised Bethell's work against the immaturity of batters who should know better by now.
Big turn from Webster eventually did for Brook, as well as a 102-run stand that had hinted an England fightback might not be out of the question. Instead, it was the start of a 4 for 48 collapse. Will Jacks' was the worst. Having batted for more than three hours in Brisbane and more than two in Adelaide, he was promoted to No.6 in Stokes' absence, only to be caught hacking to midwicket second ball. Jamie Smith's was not much better, though Bethell was partly to blame for that run-out.
Only Stokes knows why he chose to come out while lame, when a night's sleep and some intense physio might conceivably have got him moving more freely again. "When he was out there, he said he'd be walking them," Bethell revealed of his captain, who had to use his bat as a crutch between shots and was in danger of disrupting Bethell's rhythm.
The elation at Bethell's arrival as a Test cricketer was largely lost in the wider frustration at another England opportunity missed. It speaks to the management's indecision about the No.3 berth that, in this innings alone, Bethell has outscored Ollie Pope's haul of 125 from the first three live Tests. Things could have been different on this tour, for a myriad of reasons. Add this one to the list of what-ifs.
The identification of Bethell's talent was a masterstroke, even if his place in the XI for the New Zealand series had relied on Jordan Cox busting a finger on the eve of the first Test, having himself been brought in to cover for Smith's paternity leave. But, from that point on, they botched it.
A desire to not incur the wrath of the IPL meant the ECB did not call Bethell back for the one-off Zimbabwe Test in May, in which Pope's century against weak opposition locked down his spot at No.3. Bethell accompanied the Test squad for the rest of the English summer, but only played in (and failed in) the final Test against India, having been picked at an unfamiliar No.6 position, and with just one County Championship match for Warwickshire prior to that.
By Bethell's own admission, he arrived in Australia out of nick, having concluded the New Zealand tour with averages of 19.55 and 10.33 in the T20I and ODI series, respectively.
Four games for the Lions - including a battling 71 against an Australia XI in Brisbane - got him back to something of a groove when called upon in Melbourne.
Though he played just two games in his IPL stint for Royal Challengers Bengaluru, he credited his experience of walking out at the Chinnaswamy Stadium, alongside Virat Kohli, for the manner in which he seized the Boxing Day Test. He top-scored with 40 in a chase of 175 to secure England's first away Ashes win since 2011, and his in his own first attempt. He even made a tweak in the wake of that innings, to keep his bat straighter on off stump - "I kind of opened up more, I felt like my bat was just crossing over a little too much".
His story had been a blend of experiences, proper preparation and a focus on technique. It is not quite in step with how this England team has traditionally operated, and yet this is the only set-up that would have taken a punt on such a player in the first place.
Alas, they did not do so when it really mattered. The Ashes were long gone before Bethell arrived. But the future of the Test side is brighter now that he is here to stay. This shining beacon of…
"Oh sorry Jacob. Yeah, still us. Congrats again. Hell of a thing you've just done. Any chance you can keep it going tomorrow please? You're our only hope..."