BOSTON -- Not that anyone would want to set this season to music, but here's how the Boston Red Sox would have played on Broadway:

Les Miserables

Allen Craig. The guy was batting cleanup for the Cardinals a year ago. He's in Pawtucket now. Rusney Castillo and Jackie Bradley Jr. are in the supporting cast.

Guys and Dolls

Pablo Sandoval. Diva legacy. Instagram. A show-stopper.

Jersey Boys

Rick Porcello and John Farrell. Not sure which one has the Frankie Valli falsetto. Come to think of it, neither one of them has carried a tune.

Something Rotten

Juan Nieves. We can now officially say the pitching coach wasn't to blame.

The Sound and the Fury

Wade Miley. He won the part after airing out Farrell in the dugout.

The 39 Steps

Hanley Ramirez. That's as far as he can go in any direction after a fly ball.

The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time

Mike Napoli, who auditioned for the role in The Curious Incident of the First Baseman Who Stopped Hitting.

Disenchanted

John W. Henry. He can't possibly be happy with this mess.

The Audience

Ben Cherington. Like the prime ministers who had to explain themselves to the Queen on a weekly basis, the Red Sox GM gets to do the same to Red Sox ownership.

Finding Neverland

Brock Holt. Beyond his wildest dreams that he would be Boston's only All-Star.

Stomp

Dustin Pedroia. Perfectly sums up what the Sox second baseman would like to do to all the team's critics.

On Your Feet!

Mookie Betts and Xander Bogaerts. They've both given Sox fans plenty of reasons to get out of their seats.

Kinky Boots

David Ortiz. He already has the accessories to match.

It Shoulda Been You

Clay Buchholz. Just when it looked like he'd become the ace, hurt again.

Sayonara

Koji Uehara and Junichi Tazawa. How many opposing hitters have heard that from those two this season?

Ruthless! The Musical

Larry Lucchino. Surely, the champion of "contest living" won't put up with this stuff much longer. Hello, paging Larry Lucchino.

Fun Home

Fenway Park. But with the team having lost more games than it's won on Yawkey Way, the curtain has already dropped on this show.

Added aside: My editors asked me to pick a team MVP, but I'll pass. Last-place teams don't have MVPs.