What do you do with your tail great batsmen might ask one another. 'I trust them,' Steve Waugh answers, once a 130-run stand with Geoff Lawson at Lord's in 1989 was out of the way early in his career. 'I farm them,' one of his predecessors, Allan Border pipes, possibly remembering his decision to let Jeff Thomson face a whole over in 1982-83 at the MCG. They had already put on 70 and only needed four to win but Thomson went first ball. As an Ashes Test, that kind of thing can scar.
Actually, it's an unfair question because more than anything else, batting with the tail is a circumstantial sort of thing, without a definitive answer. For starters, the tail is hardly a homogeneous race. It can own up to some comic, utterly misplaced souls such as Glenn McGrath, Courtney Walsh, Danish Kaneria and Mohammad Asif. These men you might be inclined to protect.
Hardier men abound too, such as Jason Gillespie, Anil Kumble or Matthew Hoggard, who don't necessarily need to be shepherded. A few rarefied men, like Brett Lee or Shane Warne, hover between tail-end status and useful all-rounder, without ever falling fully into either.
So it isn't something to which a one-policy-fits-all solution exists, which is why when Inzamam-ul-Haq came out to bat this morning, he did what centrist parties do so well: he raided liberally from both ends of the spectrum. Mohammad Sami he hedged his bets with, arguing that as he could've been Pakistan's Lee with the ball, he could also have been their Lee with the bat. So Sami faced nearly half of their 46-ball union.
Similarly, Shoaib Akhtar, who came in averaging nearly 30 runs and 70 minutes in each of his last eight innings, was allowed as many as 16 of the 37 balls they lasted together. Even Kaneria, fresh from his bashing at Centurion faced six balls out of ten. Inzamam calculated trust wasn't a bad thing with them.
But Asif's arrival bought out the beauty in Inzamam's innings. Having been Tugga, Inzamam suddenly switched to AB. Test match innings don't often say much about fatherhood, but Inzamam must be a great dad if you judge him by how he protected Asif, treating him literally with the care a newborn might receive.
Four, five balls were dotingly negotiated before Asif was allowed to the danger end. In those deliveries, Inzamam was king, defending or attacking as he pleased. He did this for 92 balls, letting Asif face only 29 but the genius of it wasn't in those numbers, or the strokes stuffed in an unbeaten 92 which helped Pakistan nearly double their score. Rather, it was that he managed it for so long - over 20 overs - when everyone, not least South Africa, knew precisely what he was trying to do: play four, five balls, score runs, switch ends, play four, five balls, score runs, switch ends and repeat. Like clockwork. It was patterned, predictable, yet no one was able to stop it.
He's better at it than most: England found out at Faisalabad in 2005-06 during a cunning hundred and Australia did at Karachi ten years before that, as he calmly led Pakistan to a one-wicket win with only Mushtaq Ahmed for company for the last 57 runs.
The only consolation South Africa can claim is that it wasn't a surprise. Ever since Michael Hussey and Glenn McGrath put on 107 for the last wicket at the MCG last year, South Africa's bowlers have worked tirelessly to improve the lot of the bunny. So much so that 'Tailend Haven' should perhaps be added to reasons for holidaying, as listed on South Africa's main tourism website, alongside the beaches, the parks, the people and the surf.
Make what you will of this sample. Australia went from 259 for 7 to 369 at Durban last March. Lee and Mike Kasprowicz won them a clean sweep the same series with an eighth-wicket stand. New Zealand went from 89 for 6 at Centurion to 327 last April and in the next Test 289 for 7 ended 593 for 8 declared. India's last three wickets regularly tormented them just recently in low-scoring games; they put on 61 and 88 in the Johannesburg win and 61 and 78 in the Durban loss. Pakistan's tail smashed them for 103 just last week. On that form they would rather bowl at 11 frontline batsmen than any tailenders at all.
It'd be funny if it wasn't so cruel, because they've only won three Tests from this list. Ironically though, it was the non-appearance of one of Pakistan's bowlers with the ball, another twist in the tail if you will, that has kept South Africa afloat.