The Ashes are gone for England in 11 days of cricket. Across exactly a month from the moment they lined up for the national anthems at Optus Stadium to sombre glances at their feet on Adelaide Oval as Australia celebrated another retention. They sell under-the-counter vapes here that last longer.
The deciding defeat, by 82 runs, happens to be the closest of the 16 since they last won in this country and, sure, that means something. Likewise the final-day effort that saw England produce their highest total of the series. Indeed the last two days have been their best of the tour; taking out Australia's last six for 38 in their second innings, then embarking on a pursuit of 435 with moments that made England fans - and themselves - believe glory could be seized.
They can even rue the drop on 5 of Usman Khawaja, who went on to 82, and the Snicko mistake that allowed Alex Carey to move from 72 to 106. But even this fight, called for by Stokes in the lead-up but only administered in the final, meaningful round, just served to make Australia's victory sweeter.
Head coach Brendon McCullum's admission to BBC Test Match Special that the team had "put so much pressure on ourselves" that it took this long to "immerse ourselves and just play" was particularly jarring.
Since 2022, he and Ben Stokes had focused on insulating their players from exactly this kind of stage fright. It spoke to the captain's state that, when asked why it had taken this long for his charges to produce something tangible, he began with a beleaguered "oh god… don't know".
All this was too late. Australia won the Ashes today, but England had lost it long before.
They were 105 ahead and just a single wicket down in their second innings of the first Test, before a 9 for 99 collapse. They gave up a position of 176 for 3 on day one of the second Test - four of the middle order seen off in 75 runs, set off by Harry Brook's attempt to hit the first ball he faced from Mitchell Starc for six. They scrambled to 334 with Joe Root's first Australian century, only to bowl appallingly as the hosts piled on 511.
The question marks about preparation are valid. Tuning up at the WACA or another Test ground would have been far better than a three-dayer at Lilac Hills - a club ground - against an inexperienced England Lions.
But the lead-in for this series began way back in 2024. When this group of players really began their journey, which now reads 11 wins and nine defeats across 21 Tests.
James Anderson was bumped off in the summer's opening Test against Sri Lanka, with the debutant opening the bowling at the other end, Gus Atkinson, groomed as a replacement, after Stuart Broad had retired at the end of 2023's Ashes.
Jamie Smith essentially replaced both Jonny Bairstow and Ben Foakes as wicketkeeper. Jack Leach, for so long Stokes' favourite person in the dressing room - and No. 1 spinner - was replaced by a 20-year-old novice offie in Shoaib Bashir.
All those moves had sound reasoning. The management had proof, ironically from those they discarded. Bazball's positivity and soul-nourishing qualities were real. Why not channel it with a new team for this Ashes tour?
The problem, however, is Bazball succeeded as a remedy to what came before it, which climaxed with a debilitating 2021-22 Covid Ashes series.
That we are already back here, with the Ashes gone by the third Test in one day fewer, underlines the fact that being reared solely on rainbows and no consequence just does not work. Consequences aid growth, and it speaks volumes that in this series, with the stakes so high, most England players shrunk.
This is a "work hard, play hard" group by design. The message from the top has been to enjoy the trappings that come with being international cricketers to offset the stresses.
But there is a strange naivety in how some of the touring players have operated. As much off the field as on.
Relative to previous England teams, this one is not overly boozy. Nor is their golf fetish out of step. As has been the case on the field, Australia, by virtue of being older and more experienced, are probably better at both.
While in Perth, during their stay at the opulent Crown Towers, players would frequent the casino which, as one of the few places open after hours, was often packed to the brim with Barmy Army fans. In the early hours of what would have been day four of the first Test, a small group of players were turned away from the door because it was so late.
Some fans have stories of bumping into players that they feel reflects their everyman qualities. One punter even ended up giving an unnamed player a piggyback.
A bizarre story, also from Perth, revealed first in the Athletic, was of Brydon Carse, flanked by Zak Crawley and Harry Brook, accidentally scattering thousands of dollars in cash that had fallen out of his pocket.
All good. Some slightly odd. None of it in particular out of step with the seriousness an overseas Ashes.
Even in Noosa, the team leaned into their time off, embracing the coastal beach town. A core of players more or less camped out for a few days on an outside table of Rocco Bistro Bar, situated on the heaving Hastings Street. This after a couple of days embracing Brisbane following their second consecutive eight-wicket defeat.
They were polite and, if anything, too amenable; at one point, an England fan sat down with them to discuss the series, which at 2-0 down was still alive. But would it have hurt them to mix it up a bit and try somewhere else, away from prying eyes? Even if just to break the veneer of a week-long sesh?
That they have put in their most impressive showing in Adelaide negates any talk of overdoing it during their mini-break. And while there is something refreshing about not being concerned with optics, it does speak to a lack of maturity and emotional intelligence that has contributed to them falling short on the field because of the shock and awe of the stuff that matters.
That Smith, for instance, finally registered a maiden Ashes score of note in his sixth innings reflects Stokes' belief his keeper-batter might have dulled given the scale of the series. His drop of Travis Head on 3, early on day two of the second Test, saw him subject to ironic cheers from the Gabba crowd for the remaining hours every time he collected the ball.
"He now knows it," said Stokes of Smith taking that experience into this third Test. And yet the 25-year-old negotiated the first four days with some tentativeness; needing to be sterner in DRS conversations, even when claiming low catches given how deferential standing umpires Nitin Menon and Ahsan Raza were to Chris Gaffaney's screen.
That Jofra Archer, the standout quick and England's player of the series so far, is the most experienced quick (18 caps) after Mark Wood's departure speaks to the bowling attack's naivety. On song immediately in Perth, they never hit those heights or speeds again. After all that build-up, Atkinson, the de facto leader of the attack, was parked for the most important assignment. Bashir has not featured, with his performances in the warm-up match and against Australia A hinting at regression.
It obviously does not help that some of these bowlers, such as Atkinson and Carse, have now worked with three different bowling coaches in the last year. It began with Anderson, who famously missed the first Test of England's 2024 tour of Pakistan for a golf tournament, and then Tim Southee, who left after the first Ashes Test to play in the ILT20.
After approaching Dale Steyn to sub in for Southee, Australian David Saker was called upon, initially working alongside Southee. Just to add to the absurdity of it all, Southee is due to return to the group for the fifth Test in Sydney.
For all Saker's merits, having guided England's quicks on the '10-11 tour, he was getting to know these seamers on the hoof, at a time when they were also getting to know each other. The attack for the first Test - Wood, Archer, Atkinson, Carse - had never played together. Likewise this one in Adelaide, with Josh Tongue replacing Atkinson.
The lack of cohesion is clear, as is a lack of of nous. And it's not their fault. Though England have not had a permanent bowling coach since Jon Lewis became England Women's head coach in McCullum's first summer, they at least had the brains of Anderson, Broad and Chris Woakes in the ranks.
That they don't have a fielding coach, or a wicketkeeping coach, would also explain the spurned catches across the series. Paul Collingwood, the assistant who took charge of the aerial and groundwork, is no longer with the team.
Of course, other leaders in the team, beyond Stokes, could have filled that gap. Instead, those in a top-seven that have been together for 18 months are lost in their own battles.
Ollie Pope (64 caps) is trapped in his poor form. Brook (33) is hinting at brilliance without following through. And Ben Duckett (41), one of the Bazball diehards for his evocative batting and at times ludicrous public comments, is starting to doubt.
Australia were worried about Duckett before he arrived, given his ability to score square and manipulate fields. But they have restricted him to 16.16 and, worse, pushing him to lose his faith in the process. That the left-handed opener got out at the start of England's final live chase defending outside off rather than trying to cut - as is his wont - was one thing. Worse was practicing a leave as he walked off.
All three, along with Crawley, are figureheads in this dressing room, yet seem out of sync and out of touch.
On the For The Love Of Cricket podcast, Wood revealed a moment in Brisbane when, having returned from the field, Duckett made an observation about an Australian batter's position on the crease. "Right, well feed that back!" was Wood's response, suggesting Duckett should have told Stokes on the field.
After 77 on day one of that same Test, Crawley mused that England would have been happy with 260 given the pink ball and the Gabba pitch. They ended up getting 334 and still lost by eight wickets.
Should there be surprise at this arrested development? Part of it is to do with the pressure of an Ashes, pushing you into corners and squeezing out individuality. But it is the result of coddling from McCullum and, in particular, Stokes.
Stokes is a great leader of men, but there is a sense the men he leads may admire him too much. The work he puts in - on field, in the nets and elsewhere - is framed with almost super-human connotations.
"Beastmode" was how Carse described Stokes' efforts after the skipper bagged five on day one of the series - even though Carse and the other bowlers had done the harder work in getting through the top order.
"It's kind of what he does," was assistant coach Marcus Trescothick's take on Stokes' grinding in 41-degree heat for just over five hours on day two of the third Test, after bowling 19 overs. As a result, Stokes couldn't bowl on day three. He's human, you know.
In Noosa, looking to sweat out some excess one morning, Stokes suggested a run - 12km to the summit and back of Noosa National Park. That there were no takers reflected the fact that some were wary of being unable to keep up with him, even if the exercise was beneficial.
It was instructive, too, that when Archer and Stokes - two close friends - started having a go at each other after the skipper had told his quick to wise up before he dismissed Starc, the rest of the team looked on shocked at what was unfolding.
It was the kind of discussion that would not fly in the dressing room. The atmosphere in there was the first thing McCullum addressed in 2022, trimming the staff to maintain is sanctity for the players.
Among the tenets are that no one sulks, responsibility must be appreciated and, when things go bad, owned. If McCullum thinks someone is not pulling together for the team, he takes them to one side for an attitude adjustment.
You get one strike with McCullum, and maybe a few have had theirs privately. But now is the time to have it out in the open, with everyone. Even if it's too late. Because everyone is culpable for an Ashes tour that will go down in the annals as one of the most wasteful.
Pat Cummins did not play the first two Tests and now is a doubt for Boxing Day. Nathan Lyon, who bowled two overs in the first, missed the second and is now likely out for the rest of the series with a hamstring injury. Josh Hazlewood won't don whites once. Steven Smith was ruled out of the third Test with vertigo. Even Mitchell Starc was popping painkillers on the outfield during the second Test at The Gabba.
The Bazball that thrilled in the first 18 months has now, in its second stanza, been a source of more misery in the series it was supposed to influence most. Every job is up for the chop, even managing director Rob Key, who signed off on it and, perhaps, handed over too much power.
Not only has the idea lost to Australia, but the identity too, and the goodwill it had before it. Baz, Ben and the Bazballers are all to blame for that.