The Cleveland Indians are in the World Series. If someone had told you that in the days of Willie Mays Hayes, you wouldn't have believed it. But believe this: The "Major League" movies were mostly duds.
Jim Caple looks back and reviews "Major League," "Major League II" and "Major League: Back to the Minors."
"Major League"
This movie came out in 1989 when baseball was at its Hollywood peak -- "The Natural,'' "Bull Durham,'' "Field of Dreams'' and "A League of Their Own'' also came out within an eight-year span -- and it tells the tale of a team and a city that has endured decades of miserable, heart-crushing losing seasons. And no, it's not about the Chicago Cubs. Instead, it's about Cleveland, which at the time had gone 34 years since its previous postseason and 40 years since its last world championship. If only the team had the sense to hire Lou Brown as its manager rather than Doc Edwards. Or Pat Corrales. Or John McNamara. Or...
The plot is about owner Rachel Phelps (Margaret Whitton) intentionally fielding a team that is terrible, even by Cleveland standards, in the hopes of dropping attendance enough that she can move the club to Miami. Instead, manager and offseason tire salesman Lou Brown (James Gammon) is able to inspire catcher Jake Taylor (Tom Berenger), third baseman Roger Dorn (Corbin Bernsen), outfielders Willie Mays Hayes (Wesley Snipes) and Pedro Cerrano (Dennis Haysbert) and others to be a winning team. He even gives Rick "Wild Thing" Vaughn (Charlie Sheen) a pair of glasses that turns him into a great closer. Cleveland ties for the AL East division title and beats the Yankees in a one-game playoff. We do not see how the team does after that, but there was no need to because, of course, it is Cleveland and we know how they would have lost. (At least back then.)
"Major League'' has funny moments -- particularly when Harry Doyle (Bob Uecker) is announcing or when Taylor drives a bullpen cart through the streets of Cleveland to go see his girlfriend -- but this is nowhere in the same league as those other baseball movie classics from that era. In other words, Kevin Costner should have been the Cleveland catcher, not Berenger.
Best performances
Uecker was splendid as the club broadcaster, delivering lines that were the movie's funniest quotes by far. Sheen's acting was all right, and his actual pitching ability is perhaps the best ever displayed by an actor -- and far more credible than, say, Tim Robbins in "Bull Durham.'' Sheen pitched in high school and was able to throw 85 mph during the film. He later said he used steroids to prepare for the movie, which means he might have gotten some coaching from a bunch of players from that era.
Worst performance
Pete Vuckovich appears as a Yankees slugger. He was an actual big leaguer, albeit a pitcher with the Brewers, not a hitter. Madison Bumgarner would have been much more credible at the plate. If, that is, Bumgarner had been alive at the time.
Best quote
Harry Doyle: "Juuust a bit outside." (By the way, according to reports, Uecker improvised this line, which is probably why he is such a good broadcaster in real life.)
Worst quote
Rachel Phelps: "I hate this f---ing song."
Did You Know?
The movie is filmed at Milwaukee's County Stadium, then the home of the Brewers, rather than Cleveland. At the time, it had been six years since County Stadium had hosted a playoff game -- but it never would again. Maybe "Major League IV'' could be about the Brewers.
Rating
Manny Ramirez -- Like Manny, it has some classic moments that people will remember forever. And like Manny, it also has some lesser moments that people would like to be able to forget.
"Major League II"
Some movie sequels can be like when a team makes the World Series one year and then wins it the next. Like "The Godfather II" or any of the "Toy Story" sequels. Others (such as the Star Wars prequels) can be like winning 111 games in the regular season and then getting swept in the World Series. Like Cleveland in 1954. Put "Major League II" in the latter category.
This sequel came out five years after the original "Major League" and tells the story of Cleveland in the season immediately after that first movie. The team has somehow been purchased by third baseman Roger Dorn, who quickly runs out of money and is forced to sell it back to Rachel Phelps. And despite its success in the previous season, Cleveland soon collapses -- literally so, when manager Lou Brown has a heart attack and is replaced by former catcher Jake Taylor. Rick "Wild Thing" Vaughn gives up enough home runs and Cleveland loses so many times that broadcaster Harry Doyle passes out drunk in the booth.
The team -- shock! -- rebounds in the end to reach the postseason, win the ALCS and go to the World Series, but the film does not show us what happens in that series. Which is good because that just would have made a bad movie even longer -- and worse. This is a movie with so little original thought or character interest that it should have ended in spring training.
Best performance
David Keith as catcher Jack Parkman, who gets signed by Cleveland before the season and then is sent to the White Sox. He actually looks like a real ballplayer -- good enough that I wouldn't be surprised if Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein signed him.
Worst performance
Randy Quaid as Johnny, one of the fans who became so passionate about Cleveland thanks to the season in "Major League." He heckles Vaughn so often that he becomes almost as obnoxious and annoying as Red Sox fans did after they won the 2004 World Series. (Fingers crossed that Cleveland fans do not duplicate that if their team finally wins.)
Best quote
Roger Dorn: "Oh God!" (Sure, that isn't an impressive quote at all. But how Bernsen says it in the movie after he gets hit by a pitch is very funny.)
Worst quote
Harry Doyle: "Cerrano doing some interesting limbering-up exercises in right. What a pansy." (Even today's anti-PC crowd would have been critical.)
Did You Know?
The "home" stadium is actually Camden Yards, which was just a year old when this movie was being filmed in 1993, which is also when Cleveland's current ballpark was being built.
Rating
Rocky Colavito -- The curse of the foolish trade of Colavito for Harvey Kuenn was about the same as the curse of foolishly making a completely unnecessary sequel. If only we had gone as many years without yet another sequel as Cleveland went between World Series appearances. Instead, we got "Major League: Back to the Minors" just four short years later.
"Major League: Back to the Minors"
I watched "Major League: Back to the Minors" and laughed about the same number of times as Cleveland fans did during the ninth inning of Game 7 of the 1997 World Series. Which is to say, zero times. A player would rather be called into Terry Francona's office and sent back to the minors than be forced to sit down and watch "Back to the Minors."
While "Major League" writer and producer David S. Ward has said he has plans to make a "Major League III" with Sheen and Berenger, he had nothing to do with this movie. And clearly so. Despite its name, the movie bears no real link to the Cleveland team of the first two movies. Instead, it is about the minor league Triple-A Buzz, managed by Gus Cantrell (Scott Bakula), and the Minnesota Twins, who are somehow owned by Roger Dorn (still Corbin Bernsen), Cleveland's former third baseman in "Major League" and the temporary owner in "Major League II." It is essentially about Cantrell's Buzz trying to beat the Twins managed by Leonard Huff (Ted McGinley) in two exhibition games. Let's just say that rivalry is nowhere near as interesting or funny as the fun between the Bad News Bears and the Yankees.
There are minor appearances by Pedro Cerrano from "Major League I" and "II," and Isuru Tanaka (Takaaki Ishibashi) from "Major League II." Oh, and Harry Doyle is the Buzz radio broadcaster, after he was perhaps fired by Cleveland for passing out drunk too many times in "Major League II," or maybe simply demoted to the minors because his lines are so unfunny compared to "Major League."
But that's it for the Cleveland connections. Well, actually, there is a notable Cleveland link. There is very little plot, virtually no character development and absolutely terrible baseball play by the actors. In other words, it is essentially the story of Cleveland baseball from 1960-93. Or from all but a few of their 15 seasons previous to this one.
Best performance
Kenny Johnson as Lance "The Dance" Pere, a former ballet dancer turned ballplayer. He dances in a few mildly amusing moments. Still, he's nowhere near as good or interesting as Max Kepler, the actual Minnesota Twins outfielder who is the German son of ballet dancers.
Worst performance
McGinley as Huff. An even worse choice than Buck Showalter using Ubaldo Jimenez in the final inning of the wild-card game against Toronto instead of dominant closer Zach Britton.
Best quote
Pops Morgan: "This is the clubhouse."
Gus Cantrell: "In some places of the world, this is called a basement."
Worst quote
Pops Morgan (on the closest he ever got to the majors): "It was October. A player got sick. So I got the call. I was on the plane and a freak snowstorm hit. We couldn't land. Two days later: The weather is fine, so is the player. Twenty years in the minors, I circled The Show, couldn't land."
(Ummm, no one gets called up in October.)
Rating
Ubaldo Jimenez -- The starter lost a league-worst 17 games with a 5.40 ERA for Cleveland in 2012. Still, that was a better performance than this movie.