The Bottom 10 Inspirational Thought of the Week:
It's getting crowded over here ...
But babe ... the wait is ova!
Sometimes it takes a thousand tries to win
The wait is ova
Fumble don't you fumble
That's a flag on the play
Babe, if you don't wanna
Then you don't have to wait
But together we gon' be taking over
It's just the way the game is played
It's best if you just wait your turn.
Just wait your turn
The wait is ova
-- "Wait Your Turn," Rihanna
Here at Bottom 10 headquarters, located in ESPN's campus next to the kiln where Joey Galloway stores his hot takes, we have a giant calendar on which we mark the dates of the games that we know will change the course of the season and perhaps even our lives. We've had Nov. 5, 2016, circled since last Christmas.
On Saturday at 3:30 p.m. ET, the Owl Bowl, aka the Pillow Fight of the Century (PFOC!) will take place when the Owls of Florida Atlantic take roost in the nest of the Owls of Rice. Naturally, we went to our bosses and pitched the idea of Bottom 10 GameDay, and naturally, they said no. But just imagine the scene of tens of fans standing behind a TV desk of me, Gus Frerotte, Watson Brown and Jerry Glanville. They'd hold up signs in the background. Not clever homemade signs, because they wouldn't have even known we were going to be there. Instead, they'd simply pull random signs out of the ground that they had found nearby and hold those aloft.
NO PARKING ZONE ... OPEN HOUSE 1-5 P.M. ... MAKE CONFERENCE USA GREAT AGAIN.
Then, in the grandest of ESPN pregame traditions, Coach Glanville would finally reveal his pick to win the game by pulling on the mascot head of the would-be victors ... but it would be an owl, and no one would ever know which team he had actually picked.
With apologies to Hedwig, Bubo and Steve Harvey, here's this week's Bottom 10.
1. FA(not I)U (1-7)
The Owls (Part 1) will have the disadvantage of going on the road, a fact not lost on ESPN Stats & Info's mysteriously conjured-up FPI formula, which gives them only a 34.4 percent chance of winning the PFOC. To you that sounds bleak. To them, it's a step up. They started Saturday's game against Western Kentucky with a 9.1 percent chance of winning. That dropped to 0.4 percent by the end of the first quarter and never returned to single digits. So ... good times.
2. Rice (1-7)
On Sept. 12, 1962, President John F. Kennedy famously threw down his moon-landing challenge during a speech at Rice declaring, "And they may ask, why climb the highest mountain? Why ... fly the Atlantic? Why does Rice play Texas? We choose to go to the moon ... and do the other things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard!" In recent days, our Bottom 10 investigative reporting unit has uncovered lost recordings of JFK's conversations with Rice administrators during the luncheon after that speech. The president can be heard whispering, "Seriously, why do you play Texas? That's freaking insane. You should look into scheduling Florida Atlantic."
3. Bowling Green (1-7)
Over one month, four one-win MAC teams have all played in one giant one-win round robin, and now BGSU is the last one remaining with a trip to two-win NIU on Tuesday night. It's like that elevator fight scene in "Captain America: Winter Soldier" if at the end, Cap had collapsed onto the floor with everyone else.
4. Fres-no State (1-8)
If you took Fresno in the "First FBS team to eight losses" betting pool, then congratulations. Also, we'd like you to read this pamphlet about gambling addiction.
5. Tennessee (5-3)
The Bottom 10 selection committee had a difficult time deciding between the Vols and the entire Big 12, so we put it out on the street via Twitter and a #Bottom10 Poll of the People. They spoke loudly, and they were singing "Rocky Top." Over the last month, Tennessee has lost three times to fall out of contention for pretty much anything. On Monday morning, running back Jalen Hurd said he wants out, and Butch Jones went through his weekly news conference looking like a man who had just had a box of pushpins dumped into his shorts. It all reminds me of my dating life when I was a student there.
6. Kansas Nayhawks (1-7)
My old boss used to have this weird rubber stress doll thing on his desk. To get his mind right during a tough day, he'd beat the tar out of it, and it would always make him feel better. Last week, Kansas lost 56-3 to an Oklahoma team desperate to save its season. This week they get a visit from West Virginia, who'll be eager to avenge its first loss of the year. I need to go back and see if my old boss's stress doll was actually a Jayhawk.
7. I-Ow!-A State (1-7)
At 36, Iowa State's head coach Matt Campbell is the Power 5's youngest head coach. On Saturday, he lost to Kansas State's 77-year old Bill Snyder. Afterward, Snyder tried to lift Campbell's spirits by giving him a quarter and telling him to "take that down to Woolworth's and buy yourself some grape Nehi and a Charleston Chew."
8. Marshall Blundering Herd (2-6)
I was in West Virginia last week working on a story about the then-undefeated WVU Mountaineers (#McGeeCurse) and chatted with a group of Marshall fans at the airport. I told them that I knew they agreed with me that it was total bunk that the Herd and 'Eers never play. The guy in the green Chad Pennington jersey said to me, "Wellllllll, actually right now we're OK with that."
9. UMess (2-7)
The good news? The Minutemen rolled to a 34-10 victory, their first win in six games. The bad news? It came versus Wagner, a 4-4 FCS team whose wins have come over Saint Anselm, Concordia, Sacred Heart and Central Connecticut. I wonder, does Wagner constantly practice to "The Ride of the Valkyries?"
10. UL(not L)M (2-6)
Perhaps the most significant byproduct of the MAC round-robin drama is that it has allowed another conference to make a late season bum rush into the Bottom 10, kind of like Monday night when I accidentally left the front door cracked open and the neighborhood kids saw the bucket of Smarties sitting in the foyer. Leading the Fun Belt charge is ULM (pronounced "uhlm"). The Warhawks have lost their last two games to New Mexico and Arkansas State by an average score of 55-13. Now that's scary.
Waiting list: Buffalo Bulls not Bills (2-6), In a Rut-gers (2-6), Feeling Ill-inois (2-6), UTEP Minors (2-6), NI-Whew (2-6), Georgia State Not Southern (2-6), Texas State Armadillos (2-5), New Mexico State (2-6), "I know I'm gonna get fined but" news conferences.