INDIANAPOLIS -- Shaquille Leonard attempts to dismiss the negative voices in his own head, but try as he might, they linger. And they likely will until the Indianapolis Colts All-Pro linebacker truly returns to form.
Addressing his health on Wednesday for the first time since the end of last season, Leonard said he is seeing progress in his recovery from a November back surgery -- his second since last summer -- and is feeling better "than I did at any point last year."
Still, the road back is not without its challenges, physical and otherwise, Leonard admitted.
"There's been so many times where I'm thinking, 'Will I ever be back to 5-3?'" Leonard said, referencing his jersey number, 53. "'Will I ever be back to The Maniac?'"
Leonard was limited to sporadic playing time in three games last season, playing a total of 74 defensive snaps. He was sidelined by a combination of the back issues -- an impinged nerve was causing discomfort and creating a lack of power in his lower leg -- as well as a broken nose he sustained in a collision with teammate Zaire Franklin that was compounded by a concussion.
Ultimately, the back and calf issue was never fully resolved, and doctors advised a follow-up surgery. That, Leonard said, was when he finally accepted that his performance was subpar because he was not completely healthy.
"I'd see myself on the tape, and I look slow in the game," Leonard said. "People thought I was selfish [by] shutting it down and having the surgery. But I think the only thing selfish that I did last year was actually go out there and try to play. I felt like I hurt the team last year whenever I was on the field, and it sucks to kind of have to sit back and watch and see the bad plays and know it's not you."
The 2022 season, Leonard said, "was, by far, one of the hardest years of my life. You're fighting through the injury. Mentally, it was really, really bad. You see the guys out there each Sunday fighting for a win and me standing on the sidelines. Two minutes after the game, I'm in the locker room just boo-hoo-ing, man. Just feel like I let the team down not being out there. I was somewhat embarrassed."
Leonard, a three-time First Team All-Pro selection, has battled calf and ankle pain for the better part of the past two seasons. The Colts badly need his contributions on defense in 2023, especially after the departure of Bobby Okereke, who signed a four-year, $40 million contract with the New York Giants last month.
But the Colts won't have firm answers on Leonard's recovery for a while, it appears. He's a long way from getting back to full action, and the team is likely to keep him on a conservative timeline, given the past complications with his condition.
But there are signs of progress, Leonard said. "I'm feeling way more confident, way more power, way more explosive," he said. So, [I'm] very optimistic of what the future holds."