"Williams Advanced Engineering, the division of Williams that commercialises Formula One derived technology and knowhow, has collaborated with UK start-up Aerofoil Energy to develop a new aerodynamic device that can significantly reduce the energy consumed by refrigerators in supermarkets and convenience stores." -Williams Advanced Engineering
The revolutionary association between Williams and fridge manufacturers will have a major bearing on their next F1 car. ESPN has been given exclusive access to the thinking behind the Williams FW38 Mercedes-Hotpoint and lessons learned from top-secret research carried out during the 2015 season.
"This is an exciting development that opens a new door into the cool world of F1 design," said a spokesperson. "We've all had goose bumps doing this."
News of the novel approach explains much about the curious terminology emerging from discussions with Williams technical personnel last year. It gives possible new meaning to a member of the pit crew saying he had been "freezing his nuts off" during the Barcelona test and explains team management suggesting there had been "a thaw in the relationship with Mercedes".
It also reveals why Bob Smedleys-Peas, the Williams Martini Head of Vehicle and Refrigerator Performance, appeared to have lost the plot when explaining how Valtteri Bottas had failed to make a strategic pass on Felipe Massa due to a failure with the dashboard signalling. In an uncharacteristic outburst, Smedleys-Peas had let slip: "Felipe opened the door, but the bloody light didn't come on".
It's now clear why drivers had adopted the strange habit of saying they had to go the engineers' room for a "post-quali defrost" and Sir Frank Williams was perhaps not so sinister after all when he said Kimi Räikkönen ought to be sent to "the cooler" after he had taken out Bottas in Russia.
ESPN can reveal that FW38 will apparently keep the driver 'fresher for longer'. The new car will also feature 'chic white fascia and shiny stainless steel sides'. The cockpit will have 'a special coating that prevents moulds and odours'; an ambition of the team ever since 1987 when Nelson Piquet had a nasty habit of relieving himself while driving.
Incidentally, Williams have denied pushing for the return of refuelling on the grounds that they have designed a reversible filler door for anti-clockwise tracks. This, frustratingly, has been one of the more successful pioneering developments.
Others have come to nothing. We hear that a 'blown exhaust defroster' ended with, according to Smedleys-Peas, "water pissing all over the garage floor". On another occasion, a power failure left the car stuck out on the track in the blazing heat for a long time. "We had no alternative but to chuck everything away. What a bloody waste."
Bottas is reported to be happy with no longer struggling for space in the car after his weekly shop at Tesco and we hear that Ferrari have expressed interest in the 'generous bottle storage' - presumably for Kimi's car. Smedleys-Peas is particularly pleased with an on-board dispenser "for fresh chilled water, which is champion during a stinking hot summer's afternoon in Budapest or Middlesbrough".
Meanwhile, Sir Frank Williams has written to the EU, pointing out potential difficulties with political correctness. "Should we ever wish to sign Lewis [Hamilton], we could have a problem with Jeremy Corbyn and his lot if Brussels insist on our cars and everything associated with them now being classified as 'white goods'.
"Lots of little problems such as this have arisen, and it's not easy," continued Sir Frank. "Only the other day, we had FW38 in the wind tunnel with the temperature below zero to check how the sponsors' logos would look when frozen. They were okay but our name badge suffered and one of our guys had to be warned about telling F1Freezer.com his little Willi had shrivelled in the cold. I mean, this fridge technology is all very well but you just don't think about things like that, do you?"