Inspirational thought of the week:
When I am down and, oh my soul, so weary
When troubles come and my heart burdened be
Then, I am still and wait here in the silence
Until You come and sit awhile with me.
You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders
You raise me up to more than I can be
-- "You Raise Me Up," Josh Groban
Here at Bottom 10 Headquarters, located in the cargo hold filled with kibble in the belly of Ben Herbstreit's private canine jet, we, like those who scream "CAN I PET HIM?!" to Kirk Herbstreit every weekend, desperately seek out heartwarming inspiration.
So, imagine the Marcus Spears-sized warm-and-fuzzies we felt last Friday night when the centerpiece showcase game in all of college football was a contest between the teams formerly known as the Kansas Nayhawks and unLv. Not so long ago in seasons not so far away, KU and the Fightin' Tark Sharks were among those teams in a perpetual whirlpool battle for Bottom 10 suppressed supremacy. Nary was there a year during the first decade I was charged with helming this hole-filled vessel that those two weren't featured barnacles stuck to the side of the Bottom 10 boat.
But then, sitting at the bar Friday night as I was on the road to cover this grand sport, there they were. On national television. On all the televisions in said watering hole. The room was riveted. KU finished 2023 in the hoity-toity Top 25, and by game's end UNLV had earned its first ranking in that same fancy-schmancy poll.
Oh yeahhhhh!!
— Mayor Guy Fieri (@GuyFieri) September 16, 2024
So proud of my Runnin' Rebels
Hell yea @unlvfootball!! https://t.co/VizVjf4Alh
What does that tell us? It tells us that hope is good. It tells us that dreaming is OK. Even when I am suddenly reminded of where I was when I was watching that game Friday night: Gainesville, Florida.
"Hey, man!" an overserved gentleman dressed sloppily in orange, blue and green shouted to me, pointing to the Gators logo on his shirt with one hand as he clung to the bar for balance with the other. "You think we can be as good as them two teams one day?"
With apologies to former Florida State corner Chris Hope, University of St. Thomas running back Hope Adebayo, Bob Hope's All-America Team and Steve Harvey, here's the post-Week 3 Bottom 10 rankings.
1. State of Kent (0-3)
We heard from so many angry loyal subjects of the State of Kent last week that we thought we were at a Renaissance Faire. Were they throwing tomatoes and casting witches' spells our way because their beloved brethren were in the Bottom 10? Nay! They were hotter than a, well, Golden Flash, because last week they were -- in the words of a Twitter/X user who I believe was named @YesJackLambertActuallyPlayedHere -- "What do we have to do to prove to you morons that we are the worst team in football?" Turns out, trailing Tennessee 65-0 at the half was enough to do the trick.
2. Kennesaw Mountain Landis State (0-3)
The Owls had already made their FBS road debut and their FBS home debut, so when they traveled to San Jose State to lose 31-10, it was their "Hey, SJSU, here's a copy of our résumé, please take it with you when you have your meeting to try to join the new Pac-12 and yes we did like Elle Woods and made it pink and scented to give it a little something extra" debut.
3. Akronmonious (1-2)
The Zips followed up their two-week Big Ten check collection tour with a visit from Colgate. Akron won but failed to cover against a team that was 0-2 and picked to finish fourth in the six-team Patriot League. Also, if you laid down cash against the spread in the Akron-Colgate game, you might want to find a different hobby. Speaking of payouts, Akron now travels to Williams-Brice Stadium to face South Carolina.
4. UTEPid (0-3)
The Minors asked for Liberty but were given death by a 28-10 score. UTEP opens the season with three of its first four games on the road, followed by a bye week and then finally playing a second home game on Oct. 3, aka Week 6. By then they will have been gone so long the Sun Bowl will be turned into a Spirit Halloween.
5. Warshington (2-1)
After all those years that the UW Huskies made their Thanksgiving living out of snatching the Apple Cup from the favored hands of Washington State, now they played the game in September as a new nonconference game and did so at the end of the same week that Wazzu helped orchestrate the Gravedigger-like resurrection of the Pac-Whatever of which Washington was a member like 10 minutes ago. Hey, Huskies, if you're nice, maybe they'll let you come back. No? You're good? Cool cool cool. We'll check back in mid-November after your trips to Piscataway, Iowa City, Bloomington and State College. Then again, maybe you'll like having more frequent frequent flyer miles than George Clooney in "Up in the Air."
6. Temple of Doom (0-3)
Once again, Temple has to settle for being our second-highest-flying parliament of Strigiformes, forced to sail in the broken wind that trails Kennesaw in the race for Bottom 10 Owl air supremacy. Now they host Bottom 10 watch list members Utah State Not Utah, aka the Other Other Aggies. Speaking of Aggies ...
7. Whew Mexico (0-3)
Last week we joked that the L-obos should call their Land of Enchantment mortal enemies for the cheat code on Auburn, seeing as how the Other Aggies (one Other) had beaten Hugh Freeze the past two years in a row. Maybe they did. Because Whew Mexico had Snore Eagle on the ropes for a while, trailing only 17-13 at the half. Then they were outscored 28-6 in the second half. Maybe New Mexico State sent them the "How to Beat Hugh Freeze" playbook tablet, but purposely only charged the iPad halfway so it would go dead at halftime.
8. UMess (0-3)
The Minuetmen don't join the MAC until next year but opened the season with three straight #MACtion opponents and lost all three. This weekend they finally get back to being their true Lexington Green independent selves when they face Central Connecticut. But ... wait a feathered-tricorn hat here ... the next two games they travel to play My Hammy of Ohio and the Fighting Irish Stompers of Northern Illinois? But they still aren't actually in the MAC? This is like that Leo DiCaprio movie where he convinces everyone he's actually a doctor, a lawyer and an airline pilot just by showing up at a hospital, courtroom and airport and saying that he was a doctor, lawyer and airline pilot.
9. Charlotte 1-and-2'ers (1-2)
The good news? Charlotte finally won a football game. The bad news? They beat the FCS Gardner-Webb Runnin' Bulldogs by one point and had to come back from 17-down in the second half to do it. Calling this a win is like burning all the cupcakes in the pan but one.
10. Flori-duh State Semi-Noes (0-3)
Remember when those in FSU circles pointed to the fact that Cal was joining the ACC as a surefire sign that the conference was on its last legs because Cal was so generic at football and Cal was not worthy of being in the same conference with mighty Florida By God State. This weekend the 3-0 Bears face the 0-3 Noles, the same Noles who at last check were favored by a massive 2 points over the little ol' hippie refuge school out of Berkeley. At home. With a roster that might have 16 NFL draft picks. That's how you graduate from the Coveted Fifth Spot to the actual Bottom 10. We look forward to hearing from FSU's lawyers. Everyone else has. Perhaps they can sue us all out of having to watch the Sunshine Showdown with Florida at the end of the season.
Waiting list: Flori-duh, Living on Tulsa Time, Southern Missed, UCan't, Muddled Tennessee State, Not The Jacksonville You Think It Is State, "Why, oming?", more flopping.